One Of The Saddest Parts Of Life
Hello sweet reader,
Recently, I discovered, or perhaps merely re-membered [as in, I already knew this but perhaps forgot] one of the saddest parts of life.
I think one of the saddest parts of life is when you realize it’s not what you were told or programmed or hoped it was going to be.
This doesn’t mean laying down in the fetal position, accepting defeat, and giving up. This means this is the experience of life that I know to be true: the sometimes shattering of belief systems and stories, programming and promised pieces of what we expect or hope for or think our lives will be, could be, would’ve and shoulda been.
There are people who might respond to that with the positive and optimistic view of, “yeah… and what if it’s even *better?*” while I can appreciate that stance and response, I am not one of those people. while I do my very best to live with an open heart and mind and curiosity, possibility and the knowing, that yes, it *might* *just* *be* *even* *better* than imagined, I also have not experienced that often.
Now, I have absolutely experienced ENDLESS emotions and experiences that as a young child I likely never thought possible. I have taken risk after risk, done things that don’t make sense on paper, leapt when there is and was no net, took a chance, and have “achieved” some pretty crazy and incredible things that little me likely never “believed” would actually happen. So yes, there is that.
AND, I used to live in the toxic positivity camp. Truthfully, I had to. I had to believe such things as “everything happens for a reason” or “fate” or “meant to be” or “everything that happens to you happens FOR YOU” or or or or. I had to believe those things in order to endure horrific circumstances and experience, trauma, abuse, unnecessary suffering. One of my teachers calls this level one: “false light.” And this isn’t a judgement or a slight on anyone who believes such things.
I completed a year long training with Dr. Gabor Maté and Dr. Sat Dharam Kaur, a therapeutic modality known as “Compassionate Inquiry.” This last week we stumbled upon a thought from Carl Jung.
“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will rule your life and you will call it Fate.”
The more conscious or aware I became, the more I noticed that perhaps things are not what I was told they would be. In many aspects. And until we become [or are] living consciously in what *is*, we will call it all “fate” and perhaps “destiny” or even my once favoured flavour “meant to be.”
Belief Number 1.
One of the un-learnings I’ve been navigating the last several years is this notion of deep programming that “if you work hard it will work out.” I have seen and deeply know that this is not true. What does it mean for “it” to “work out?” What exactly is “working out?” Where and how? What does it look like and what does it mean to”work hard?” And who decides that you’re doing that so it will “work out?”
My mind equated “working hard” to having peace, ease, and abundance in my life. My mind [and deep socio-economic-cultural programming] told me if I “worked hard” it would “work out” and i would “just be happy” and maybe even “things would be easy” and if i just “worked a little more harder” than maybe I wouldn’t even ever suffer [thanks capitalism!].
Logically, rationally, and on digital paper here now, I can see how wild that is, and yet have immense compassion for myself in that belief. In the girl who needed to believe that. Who needed it to be true. Who so [often] desperately had to hope that that was true.
There can be a lot of grief when things are not seemingly true, when we have held onto the hopes of those beliefs for a long time [more below].
Belief Number 2.
I also have struggled with the shattering of the belief “if you’re a good person than good things will happen to you.” Also… not entirely a solid statement or life advice to follow.
Now, does this mean that we “shouldn’t” be “good?” [or kind, or compassionate, or loving, or truthful, etc]. No.
Does this mean we “shouldn’t” “work hard?” [in life, on ourselves and healing our pain, on our capacity to love, etc]. No.
But also, I want to rest hard. I want to just BE and breathe and know and merely exist in my basic goodness, a goodness that I believe we all have and are, regardless of circumstance and labels and “doing” or “achieving.”
With some of these shatterings of our beliefs can come… a whole lotta grief.
We all experience grief and loss and pain and no one escapes here without knowing it. The question is: how do you want to know it?
✨ Steps of the grief process ✨#incaseyouneededit
[Not linear, not exclusive or exhaustive, and not to be confused with that often tossed around “Five Stages of Grief”]
1. anger, blame, resentment
2. hurt, sadness, disappointment
3. fear, insecurity, wounds, vulnerability
4. regret, understanding, responsibility
5. intentions, solutions, wishes… “if only”
6. love, forgiveness, appreciation
Directions: wash. Rinse. Repeat. Do this over and over until necessary. Deep condition [or rather, unconditioned, de-program, remove the layers, shed, and heal] especially damaged bits and ends.
Where can we become perhaps empowered is what we do with the knowledge that maybe things are not going to be what we thought they would be.
Truth:
If I work hard, this doesn’t mean that it will all “work out.”
If I’m “good,” my life won’t necessarily be good.
My own personal process and work, within many truths and lies within my former chosen or programmed beliefs, is working on the “what now?” and how do I accept and be with these new understandings of my life? And CAN I accept this? For now? Am I willing to? Do I even want to?
I know THIS to be true right now, instead of THAT.
For your own inquiry or healing: are there any beliefs you hold or have held, whether your own or given to you by others, that you could spend some time looking at and being with?
Thank you for reading. Thank you for feeling.
In case you needed it. <3
✨ HMU if you could use support in your grieving or grief or anything else I’ve mentioned here or have not mentioned here. ✨
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